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Christine Tufnell of Care for the Family relates her experience as a Step Mother
This was one of the questions asked at the FLAME/Churches Together for Families conference last October. So what is the answer, and what have we been doing since then?
What’s different about being a stepmum – step mothers cannot have the same relationship with a stepchild that a biological one has. That’s true but there’s more to it than that. Step-families are different to other family units. They are born out of loss, and have their own structure and pressures.
I became a stepmum to three teenage boys some years ago. They already had a Mum – she just didn’t live with them. I had to find a role for myself. I wasn’t mum but I did all the things a mum does – washing, ironing, cooking etc. The boys and their mum had years of history together, while I had none. My experiences of family were a nuclear one, and a single parent one. I have three children of my own.
My husband and I had already been through marriage breakdowns, our respective partners leaving us for someone else. We began our step-family with high hopes, greatly in love, but with no guidance or understanding of what our marriage and family would be like. We, and the children, have survived over 20 years together! But we learned some lessons the hard way.
“You’ve been married before so you know what it’s like”, was the only advice given to one couple recently, both marrying for the second time, with children from previous relationships. So they are now struggling with emotional baggage from the past, all the strains of a new marriage, issues with ex spouses and children who range from 6 years to 16. I hope and pray that they don’t join the many that give up and end this marriage too.
In a nuclear family the pattern is: two adults meet, fall in love, live together or get married, and several years later have a child. The couple bond is the first one. Ideally both parents bond with the child at birth. In a step-family the order changes. Yes the adults meet, fall in love and marry, but there is a pre-existing bond with a child for at least one partner. This parent/child bond is biological, legal and emotional. Then comes the new couple bond. (Over 90% of these couples will cohabit before marriage.) The weakest bond is between the step-parent and the step-child. This is neither biological nor legal, and it will take time for the emotional one to develop.
“Are you going to hurt my Mummy like Daddy did”, was the question one 7 year old asked her about–to-become stepfather. This girl had seen her Dad throw her Mum down the stairs. A 15 year old girl knows that her Mum will only see her when Mum hasn’t got a boyfriend. David returns upset from visits to his father because he has been verbally abused there. Peter is told, “You don’t have to do anything your stepfather says.” Maria says that her husband’s ex wife dumps the children on them whenever it suits her, regardless of her plans for the weekend. “It’s like living in a shrine to her dead husband. He built the house and they won’t change anything”, laments John.
In a step-family there is the ‘presence’ of the other biological parent. If one family member is affected then so will the others be. This can be particularly difficult for the step-parent, especially if they haven’t been married before and don’t have children of their own. Often they have unrealistic expectations of what a step-family will be like. This is another area where step- families can fail.
The Conference workshop on blended families/step-families concluded that resources were needed for step-families and for those seeking to help them. Step- families are the fastest growing family type in the UK. One FLAME worker, realising the need for preparation, had written some material for use in her diocese, and another had found a course from America. The organisation I work for, Care for the Family, produces a newsletter and runs events for parents in a step-family. What else could we do? What could I do?
Some members from that workshop have continued to meet to discuss and share ideas. In May we also joined with other people concerned for step-families. I had the privilege of going to the USA in June to attend the Smart Marriages conference and training days. About 2,000 people came together in Dallas, Texas because they all supported marriage and want to see them upheld and strengthened. I had gone to learn about the wealth of research, courses and materials that are available there for stepfamilies.
Now, with Care for the Family, I am working on producing some resources in the UK. So thank you to FLAME workers and others for encouraging me. Conferences do produce results.
For further details contact:
Christine Tufnell
‘Life in a Stepfamily’ Project Manager,
Care for the Family
Or visit the Care for the Family web page:
Www.careforthefamily.org.uk
Or email: instep@cff.org.uk
© 2005 Christine Tufnell & Newsline