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Jim Wheeler of the Aquila Care Trust discusses what it is that holds relationships together.
Some years ago when my wife’s Uncle Hal died, it brought an end to the long and seemingly happy marriage he and Aunt Marie had shared together. They were considered the Darby and Joan of the family, he the breadwinner, she the old-fashioned housewife who attended to his every comfort while keeping a spotless home and immaculate garden.
During the family gathering after Hal’s funeral, someone gently commented to Marie “You must be devastated at losing your lifelong love and companion”
Her reply shocked us all: “I’ve never been so relieved in all my life. I have been a slave to that man for over 60 years”. It slowly emerged that she had been bullied, abused, controlled and denied any opportunities to have a career or interests of her own.
With modern attitudes to marriage, many might question why she had not left him? The fact is that, for women of Aunt Marie’s generation, walking away from a marriage was barely an option. In the small northern community where they lived, she would have become a social outcast and would have been homeless and penniless because of her complete financial dependence on her husband.
It led me to do a little research into the myth that surrounds old-fashioned marriages, the notion that they stayed intact because couples had “stickability” and worked through their difficulties together. I found that, in fact, many marriages were like Hal and Marie’s, not held together by love, respect and commitment but by the fear of poverty and condemnation.
Nowadays, the situation is quite the opposite. Married men and women can be financially independent and have little fear of stigma if they separate. In fact, current liberal attitudes in society almost encourage couples to split at the first hint of disagreement.
Yet it is clear that many marriages can and do succeed, given the right conditions, the right “marriage glue”. So what is this glue and what are its main ingredients? The answers aren’t difficult to find. There are now hundreds of books and videos on marriage, scores of marriage preparation courses and relationship enrichment workshops available to couples, particularly in Christian circles. In their various ways, these resources all give guidance on the essential elements for forming strong, mutually fulfilling and sustainable relationships.
So, with easy access to this wealth of accumulated wisdom, why do the rates of divorce and separation in UK continue to soar year after year? This is a more tricky question, one which I imagine FLAME workers face quite often. Certainly it is one that we in Aquila, the Christian charity for which I work, ask ourselves frequently.
We founded Aquila (then Oasis) as a voluntary group in 1991 in our small Sussex town to support local people we knew who were struggling with their lives after divorce, separation or broken relationships, regardless of whether they were Christians or not. Over the years, we have developed this support into an effective self-help programme for small, confidential groups, facilitated by trained Co-ordinators who have, themselves, travelled the painful road to recovery after marital breakdown.
This programme has become known as the Aquila Breakthrough Course and is now being offered through a network of church-based Aquila groups spreading outwards from the Southeast across UK as far as Yorkshire, South Wales, Devon and Norfolk. Although this network is growing yearly, there are still many areas we do not yet cover, therefore residential weekend Breakthrough Courses are also organised at various Christian conference centres for people who cannot get to our regular groups. We have continued to make the courses accessible for people from all walks of life, ethnic origins, with or without faiths and, whilst we do not hide our own Christian beliefs nor do we seek to impose those beliefs on participants, many of whom feel emotionally vulnerable. This softly-softly approach encourages some to ask our Co-ordinators “Where do you draw your strength from?” which, of course, opens possibilities for introducing members to host church explorer activities.
Feedback from our courses suggests there is a complex host of reasons why members cannot or will not attempt to save their relationships by taking advantage of the many support resources available. Even in a case when one of a couple does try, the truth of the old adage “it takes two to tango” can become evident. As might be expected, most of our members are people who have been left rather than being the leavers and it can be harrowing to hear how they have striven to mix the right “marriage glue” but eventually realised it needs to be a two-component adhesive and, with partners who were not willing to contribute the second component, the attempts to stay together became hopelessly one-sided.
People with only a superficial knowledge of our work sometimes see Aquila as an organisation which simply picks up the pieces when things have fallen apart but we believe we do much more than that. For example, whenever there are realistic possibilities, we encourage members to attempt reconciliation with their ex-partners and have seen some heartening successes over the years; in order to help couples who want to reconcile but who are reluctant to go for counselling, we have written a self-help workbook that guides them through a step by step process.
Then there is the huge issue concerning the effects on children when their parents separate. Within our standard Breakthrough programme, we give guidance to parents on ways they can limit the damage to their children. In addition, by collaborating with other Christian agencies, we are working towards a support programme for the children themselves.
Other matters we tackle include preparing members for the possibility of future relationships and explaining the importance of not searching for them too soon. “You are not ready for a new relationship until you have stopped feeling desperate for one” is one of our stock sayings. Those who do recover healthily and start new relationships are offered second marriage preparation, including an understanding of “marriage glue”, and are given guidance on negotiating the potential minefield of step-parenting, if appropriate.
Soon after founding the organisation, we became aware that members bonded closely during courses and gained comfort from the mutual support, therefore they felt a sense of loss when the series of sessions finished. It led us to organise follow-on events, now known as Plus Activities. These include further self-improvement workshops, social events, general interest activities and holidays in Britain and France. All are geared to providing a companionship network in non-threatening surroundings and helping members to regain social confidence for their contacts with the wider world.
In summary, far from just picking up the pieces, we seek to put those pieces back together again in the healthiest ways possible, supporting members as they rebuild their lives towards more positive futures. Of course, when re-marriages become serious prospects, we encourage them to find and use the right “marriage glue”.
A final point: “Aquila” is Latin for “eagle” and is taken from Isaiah 40:31 “they will soar on wings like eagles”, which is our prayer for all Aquila members.
Jim Wheeler can be contacted at the Aquila Care Trust, telephone 01892 665524.
jim@aquilatrust.org
www.aquilatrust.org
© 2005 Jim Wheeler and Flame