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Sheila Fletcher reviews a ‘Surviving Divorce’ Conference held in the Exeter Diocese
Remember the winter storms that swept our country when trees were uprooted, electricity supplies cut off and general havoc was wrought? They provided not only the background for our first ‘Surviving Divorce’ Conference, but also a graphic illustration of the devastating effect of marriage breakdown on family life, as the venue hurriedly changed from the comfort of a manor house, badly damaged by the storms, to the nearby cold and draughty church!
Not that anyone complained about the conditions, for all 45 who attended, - mostly divorced or separated men and women, - were eager to gain from the shared experience of the others.
After an encouraging opening talk delegates were free to join two workshops choosing from: -
Coping on one’s own
Coping with one’s feelings
Coping with finances
Coping with the children
Between workshops and before lunch a plenary session was held called ‘Coping with the law’ when a divorce solicitor bravely faced the anger and interrogation of frustrated men and women desperate to understand some of the legal complications in divorce law and get free advice.
We heard disturbing stories of pain and anguish, of practical problems, of the strain of being both mum and dad to the children, the feelings of isolation, and much more.
In the afternoon it was the turn of two clergymen to face the anger and barrage of questions in ‘Coping with the Church’.
Many looked to the church for acceptance and support but had felt branded as failures, or even rejected, and left in limbo by confusing theology. A few said they felt like lepers.
Yet despite all the overwhelming problems facing them, these people were doggedly coming to terms with the hardships, and had themselves so much to offer, not least to each other in terms of support, encouragement and friendship. At the end of the day people gathered into geographical units to arrange follow-up support groups, organising informal meetings to listen, to care and to go out for social events together. We also arranged for a Christian psychotherapist to be available to help those in special need.
However, it was clear that that day, and further ‘Surviving Divorce’ days left some people feeling exposed emotionally and we realised that there is need for more in-depth continued support. For some a structured pattern of help is necessary, and newly divorced people often appreciate support to help them through their bereavement.
So this year we have taken things one step further. Volunteers from churches all over the diocese, who have been through the pain of divorce, have been on three training weekends, led by two different outside agencies to train as facilitators of divorce recovery courses, sort of similar to the Quinns’ excellent FCT programmes. Courses are to be set up in locations throughout the diocese in the autumn. In some areas others are running less formal courses with their own personalised programme to meet the needs of friends and neighbours around them, - for church goers and non-church goers alike. It is hoped that this will do to something to meet the enormous need for support and help at such a vulnerable and critical stage of a divorcing person’s life.
For too long the church as a whole has neglected or ignored those most in need of its support, understanding and acceptance, even within its own ranks; (James 1 v 27). There is a real and pressing need to be met if we are to be true to the gospel.
© 2005 Sheila Fletcher & Newsline